Violence/Gore: Surprisingly little actual blood, but Van Helsing does pump a lot of crossbow-propelled stakes into the vampire brides, wolfmen kill a few people and do a lot of human-tossing against walls and furniture, and the Frankenstein monster loses his head (or at least a piece of it) for a minute. The most disgusting (and slightly incongruous) part of the movie involves the vampire offspring, which are cocooned in goopy eggs a la Alien and explode in a shower of the same goop.

Sex/Nudity: A little steamy suggestive vampire bride activity, and Dracula works his magic on Anna for a moment or two.

Best Line: “If there’s one thing I’ve learned, it’s not to be the first one to stick his hand into any viscous material.” (a very rough paraphrasing - I only saw the film once - of David Wenham’s Carl when confronted by…a viscous material)

Score:

It’s so difficult for me to say anything bad about this summer’s first big genre blockbuster, VAN HELSING. It tries so hard to pay homage to all the old monsterfests that we grew up with and love so much, and for the most part, it does the job so well that I was willing to forgive it whatever minor indulgences and excesses it had. True, there are a few scenes during which I almost cringed with slight embarrassment - the absolute height of stupidity has to be the sequence where the horses leap the chasm, freezing in mid-gallop like reindeer from an old Rankin & Bass holiday special - but as I said, I was willing to give them one or two hiccups. It’s just so obvious what’s going on here - director Stephen (THE MUMMY) Sommers and crew were making a love letter to the horror films of old, and this movie just drips with nostalgia and affection in every single frame. They even throw in homages to other movies just for the hell of it, like a familiar equipment/weaponry scene that’s a pastiche of all the Q/007 match-ups from the James Bond series.

Van Helsing (Hugh Jackman in an odd parallel to his other big franchise role as the X-MEN’s Wolverine - here he’s another ‘loose cannon’ with amnesia and, eventually, claws) is a dark fellow who works as the Vatican’s secret monster hunter and troubleshooter, protecting the innocent from the forces of evil. He seems to have lived a long time, but he can’t remember his past. Nevertheless, he gets the job done, even if he is a bit of a maverick (you might even call him a lethal weapon). After mopping up Mr. Hyde in Paris, Van Helsing is sent to Transylvania, where some serious monster mojo is brewing. With sidekick, comic relief, and competent scholar Carl (David Wenham, Faramir of LORD OF THE RINGS in a very different role) at his side, and with the initially reluctant aid of Anna Valerious (Kate Beckinsale sporting a “so hot I steam when rain hits me” look), Van Helsing has to stop Dracula and his vampire brides from spawning an army of vicious demonic winged offspring. Dracula uses wolfmen as his lackeys…so why does he keep a cure for lycanthropy under strict lock and key? And why does he want to locate Frankenstein’s monster? And why does he keep calling Van Helsing “Gabriel?” Rest assured, everything pays off in the end.

The movie does a nice job of incorporating some of the old stand-by monster “rules” (sunlight keeps vampires away, wolfmen transform under the light of the full moon), but manages to freshen them up a bit with some intriguing twists (only the bite of a werewolf can kill Dracula, when the moon is obscured by clouds a wolfman turns back into human form…and what are those little homunculus things working for Dracula?). And if you ever loved the old Universal films, you’ll go nuts for the opening alone - a lavish black and white sequence in which townsfolk wielding torches and pitchforks storm Frankenstein’s castle, driving the doctor and his monster to a windmill that’s just begging to be burned down. Ah, memories.

It would be a serious oversight, however, to merely call this an homage to Universal’s classic monster cycle from the 1930s and ’40s, because there’s no way that a horror fan of today can have grown up without also being exposed to the more lush and lurid monster tales of the UK’s Hammer Films. It’s quite clear that even if Sommers intended this to be a tribute to the Universal material, he also crafted a superb re-creation of the Hammer era, filling this film with seductive vampire women (subtle Hammer-esque lesbian overtones intact), elaborate masquerade balls (the revelation in that sequence is one of many genuine shock surprises that cause moviegoers to leap from their seats - this movie doesn’t lack for scary jolts), and rich, colorful set designs that manage to harmoniously evoke both traditions.

In fact, anyone in the know will probably notice that this movie is less a return to the Universal cycle and more a direct remake of Hammer’s classic action-adventure vampire film, CAPTAIN KRONOS VAMPIRE HUNTER (go read my review to refresh your memory). It follows the same pattern, with a mysterious monster-slaying hero with a murky past, a knowledgeable but physically less gifted sidekick, and a sultry female companion traveling through the countryside vanquishing evil. Both films also make liberal use of religious iconography and indulge in the odd sexual metaphor. I wouldn’t call it a rip-off by any means, but VAN HELSING certainly owes its basic structure to that well-remembered Hammer romp.

This is not to say, of course, that the movie doesn’t have plenty of affectionate touches recalling the old Universal days as well. Wenham’s unexpected recitation of screenwriter Curt Siodmak’s “Even a man” poem from THE WOLFMAN is a joy to hear in a modern film, and the moon itself does a good job of recalling the good old days. For many years now, whenever I’ve seen a bright (often full) moon enveloped in wispy clouds, I’ve called it a “Universal moon.” It seems I’m not the only one who remembers that potent image, because not only does the “Universal moon” effect get a lot of play here, but it winds up being an important plot point!

So I can’t say anything bad about this genuinely atmospheric and satisfying film. It accomplishes everything it sets out to do, and as much as we grew up identifying Dracula with actors like Bela Lugosi or Christopher Lee, a new generation might now always associate the Prince of Darkness with Richard Roxburgh. And that’s just fine with me.

Now here’s hoping that unlike the one-off CAPTAIN KRONOS, which also ended with our heroes riding off into the sunset, VAN HELSING will return for another dark and enthralling adventure. I’ll be there, and the 12-year-old in me will be there too.

ATB