Violence/Gore: After a somewhat shocking opening sequence in which every adult is slaughtered in the coffee shop with poison, knives and a sickle or two, things settle down. There’s a ritualistic bloodletting later on, but apart from a brief spatter here and there, that’s about it. And Isaac’s lame zombie-esque resurrection make-up is too funny to be grotesque.

Sex/Nudity: N/A

Best Line: “There’s something very strange about this town.” (massive understatement)

Score:

Peter Horton and Linda Hamilton were never exactly A-list thespians, but what sad, desperate turn of events could have led them to think that CHILDREN OF THE CORN was a savvy career move? Based (loosely from what I understand, never having read the short story) on yet another Stephen King tale, this movie is shot on film and occupies both time and space. I’ve now exhausted every positive thing I can say about it. Oh wait, there is one more thing. The musical score by Jonathan Elias doesn’t deserve to be attached to this lethargic would-be thriller; it’s rather good. Now I’m done.

The plot? An unknown entity called He Who Walks Behind the Rows (of corn, get it) has enthralled a creepy pituitary case who directs the children of Gatlin, Nebraska to slaughter all the adults in town and then engage in various corn-based blood rituals that look as if they all wish they were acting in THE WICKER MAN instead. The entity has evidently watched LOGAN’S RUN too, since he imposes an age limit on the community. In this case, however, when you’re 19, you’re out of luck.

Into this idyllic image of youthful exuberance wander Burt (Horton) and Vicky (Hamilton), one of those movie couples where you just can’t fathom how they became a couple in the first place. While Vicky seems like a decent enough young woman - if a bit vapid - Burt is a Grade A asshole. Ducking questions about commitment like they burn his skin, Burt is such an unredeemable jerk that even when he behaves like a total moron, plunging the two of them deeper and deeper into a situation they could have easily avoided (and I do mean easily; the choices Burt makes are nothing short of mind-numbingly stupid), you can’t help but hope that He Who Walks Behind the Rows decrees that Burt be ripped apart by rabid wolves. Burt even spends a good portion of the film chatting it up with a couple friendlier Corn kids while the girl he ostensibly loves is missing and clearly in the clutches of these killer cultists. And he doesn’t even seem to care. What a catch he is.

Watching CHILDREN OF THE CORN is an empty experience. I felt much the same way the first time I saw JAWS 2, a movie so utterly lacking in a reason to exist that your brain can’t even acknowledge the fact that it’s viewing anything at all (which is why there will never be a review of JAWS 2 on this site, but I digress). CORN is very similar, and doesn’t even deliver on the scares beyond the admittedly promising opening sequence. In fact, the movie is so lacking in genuine scary moments that it even invents a brief non-sequitur dream sequence in which Vicky sees a dead kid leap up from the street to grasp at her - right up there with the “random cat leaping into the frame” so beloved by schlock horror-meisters.

Perhaps one of the worst things about the movie is that it has quite a bit of potential. Children turning on adults can be very terrifying - think VILLAGE OF THE DAMNED or the classic Ray Bradbury short story, “The Veldt” - but thanks to poor casting and lackluster direction, to say nothing of the completely ineffectual John Franklin as Isaac, the Children of the Corn are not only not frightening but also apparently very easily swayed. When Burt is surrounded by the horde, brandishing all manner of sharp implements and commanded by their leader to kill, they just stand there while Burt launches into a laughably simplistic diatribe about the dangers of blind devotion to a religious cult. Way to be a demonic band of blood-thirsty rugrats, guys. Did I mention Burt is an asshole and a moron? Good.

And while rural America has been effectively portrayed as a haven for chop-happy clans and grotesque rites - TEXAS CHAINSAW, anyone? - the town of Gatlin is so awash in sunlight that it never achieves an air of menace. The direction is flat, overlit, and relies too much on a few amateurish animated video effects at the end to deliver a climactic punch. The moaning He Who Walks apparition in the smoke and flames reminded me of the anguished Sta-Puft Marshmallow Man at the end of GHOSTBUSTERS. I’m fairly confident that this was not an association the CORN makers intended.

About halfway through the movie’s running time, Horton utters the kind of line that makes a reviewer’s day: “Things just aren’t happening fast enough.” Amen, brother.

DVD Extras: Let’s see, you get the trailer, and…that’s it. But really, did you want any more of this? For shame. Oh, there is a new special edition out, but I haven’t had the heart to look at it yet.

ATB