Violence/Gore: There’s some raw leg injury footage, unappealing green greasepaint makeup, mutations that result in the ability to stretch the neck out like plastic man, and Jay Thomas.

Sex/Nudity: There’s a chaste shower scene in the film, and the Anchor Bay DVD features a racy Kim Griest body double outtake.

Best Line: “She says some monster came out of the sewer and ate her grandfather.” (one of New York’s finest)

Score:

When it comes to the finest in cinematic horror, one need look no further than C.H.U.D., a movie that takes our nation’s greatest fear - that down in the subterranean tunnels of New York, the homeless are evolving into flesh hungry mutants with glowing eyes - and proves it real. And it is real, because the back of the DVD states that this was “filmed on (and below) the streets of New York City where hundreds of tourists every year are still devoured by actual C.H.U.D.,” which must be the God’s honest truth, because no one has ever lied in print. Also, as a resident of New York, I can’t tell you how many times I’ve narrowly averted death by C.H.U.D.s - must be a billion or so.

This film - this masterpiece that transcends time, the movie that set Douglas Cheek on the path to becoming Hollywood’s most successful director of all time - is so ripe with relevant social commentary that its viewing is essential to every man, woman and child in this great nation. It’s like CITIZEN KANE, only better.

The story is brilliant in its simplicity. There has been a rash of disappearances and the police are baffled. “What could it be?” Well, duh, of course it’s C.H.U.D.s, Cannibal Humanoid Underground Dwellers. Apparently, the Morlocks were sick that week. Anyway, the C.H.U.D.s do what they do best - eat humans. Of course the argument could be made that the they aren’t really cannibals, because even though essentially they started as humans, they have mutated into C.H.U.D.s, and as C.H.U.D.s they don’t eat each other. And there is a government cover-up - just one of the many unique plot devices utilized in the film - which results in the C.H.U.D.s getting out of control. Will the day be saved? Will the C.H.U.D.s kill Jay Thomas? Does C.H.U.D. really stand for Cannibal Humanoid Underground Dweller, or does that acronym actually mean something more sinister, like Contamination Hazard Underground Disposal? Beats me, I was drunk when I watched this.

The DVD is from Anchor Bay and continues their stellar plan of releasing crap in the best possible presentation. However, there is a major problem with this release - this cut of C.H.U.D. is not the original cut I’ve been used to from many, many nights of drunk video viewing. It’s a new director’s cut (I assume) and this is not mentioned at all on the box. I liked my C.H.U.D. the way I remember it, and was disappointed to find that after waiting for what seemed like centuries for its DVD release that it’s an alternate version. Shame, Anchor Bay, shame.

Besides this tremendous letdown, the other aspects of the DVD are great. The film is presented in letterbox format with a crisp picture and fair sound, which is key for hearing every nuance of modern day bard writer Shepard Abbott expertly crafted. Abbott has a good feel for New York, because the people in this film talk and act almost exactly like the people in other movies I’ve seen about New York.

Rent C.H.U.D. today! For if only more films like C.H.U.D. were made, we wouldn’t be a nation of girly men who cry at movies like THE MEXICAN. We’d be Olympian Gods ready to rest our foot firmly on the throats of all those who oppose us.

DVD Extras: There are three perks on the DVD - the trailer, a photo gallery (wow), and a commentary track featuring Abbott, Douglas Cheek (director, superstar), John Heard (SOPRANOS bit player), Daniel Stern (the tall crook in HOME ALONE 1 & 2) and Christopher Curry (today’s answer to Jimmy Stewart) - all of whom sound embarrassed by the film.

AH